Paranoid Love Affair 92
Paranoid Love Affair chapter 92

92
The word world has different meanings for different people.
Even though the word itself gives the impression of needlessly large scale.
That’s what we think of in that word.
A round planet with a soft blue light in the middle of the vast universe, the Amazon jungle on the other side of the earth, and mysterious creatures living deep in the sea… … .
However, in fact, it is difficult to become a component of a person’s subjective world.
Unless that person is an astronaut, astronomer, deep-sea biologist, or explorer… … .
How many people know through firsthand experience that the earth is round, that Brazil is on the other side of the globe, and that there are filthy, ugly, monstrous fish in the deep sea?
For most people, those are just the worlds they perceive indirectly from books, on the Internet, on TV.
We, who find it difficult to leave even ten thousand steps a day on this gigantic land, would not have even known the common sense that the earth was round if someone had not told us about it.
The world where people are standing on their feet and actually felt on the skin can only be in the corner of a three or four pyeong studio room.
Or even in that cramped room, a one-span smartphone and Wi-Fi network could be the whole world.
After all, even if there is a world that is objectively real, what we can reach is only its crumbs and shadows.
However, just as the shape of the shadow changes depending on the angle of the sun or where I am standing, the appearance of the world through subjective perception is also different.
So, as you go through life, questions arise.
What color that I call red is really the same as what the person next to me calls red?
Me and the person next to me just share the title for a certain color, not the perception.
In reality, the red that the person next to me perceives may be a more drab color.
Oh, but what about being dark?
What on earth is the black-and-white look that the person next to me sees?
No matter how much you think about it, you never know. So that’s really sad.
No matter how much you love someone, you can’t see the same person as that person.
It’s so sad that we want to fall into the feeling that we’re feeling the same thing with the other person.
It just feels like it.
Since we can never confirm whether we are feeling the same sensation as the other person, there is a void in the corner of our mind that will never be filled until we die.
Perhaps the world is not grandiose, but just a thin film over the eyeball.
Just as we can see the world of red when we put on our glasses with red cellophane, we may be just looking at pictures or colors drawn on the cellophane that wraps our eyes in several layers.
So, who drew the picture?
Who put that color cellophane on our eyes?
I do not know.
The sticky cellophane paper is already too thick, so it’s hard to figure out who stuck what.
What would the world look like if the cellophane were peeled off, peeled, peeled, and returned to the eyes of the infant who first received light, as it was born?
Will the world be seen as it is?
Can the object be seen as an objective reality without subjectivity?
But, maybe, if that’s the case, you won’t have time to think about it.
If you peel off all the cellophane and look at the world with clear eyes, you’re probably afraid of everything you see.
So then, didn’t you burst into tears? all of us
It was the same in Yun-woo’s world. Every time he was sad, whenever he felt lonely, whenever he wanted to die, the gray cellophane paper Yun-woo put on his eyes had been painted over and added over for nearly 20 years, and now it has become as thick and hard as hardboard paper.
It is not easily cut or peeled off with any cutter knife. … .
With that kind of snow, even the falling cherry blossom petals or the raindrops in the snow would have looked no different from the dust clumps flying around the factory.
Those dust clumps are actually poison.
It was like that in Yun-woo’s world.
A dangerous substance with a lot of contaminants such as heavy metals that can cause blindness and lung rot if exposed for a short period of time.
So Yun-woo kept his eyes closed.
He put his hands together and covered his nose and mouth.
Tinnitus continued to be heard in the ears that had not yet been closed.
The voices of the parents yelling at Yun-woo, the voices of the children in the class who point at Yun-woo, that always reverberate in Yun-woo’s ears… … .
Yoon-woo, who sits down and curls up in fear… … .
In such a world, no matter how many people approached Yun-woo and talked to him, nothing changed.
They were all gray people.
Monsters that have been tainted with poison and have been horribly transformed.
‘Look, the first snow is falling.’
‘no. That’s dust.’
‘The world is blessing you.’
‘The world curses me.’
‘How do you know without opening your eyes? See?’
‘It’s poison. When I open my eyes, I will be blind and suffer and die.’
‘I want to play with you. Let’s make a snowman and play. Let’s have a snowball fight.’
‘You came here to deceive me. They’re trying to kill me.’
Yun-woo’s world was like that, and he couldn’t touch other people’s world at all.
Yun-woo’s cognitive world was a firm truth to Yun-woo himself, and the poison in that world really poisoned Yun-woo and led him to death one step at a time.
Hye-eun’s existence was only a piece of comfort.
He was truly like a god.
I can’t see them and I can’t meet them, but the corner of my heart is still full of distrust and suspicion, and I try to ignore it… … Yoon-woo continued to call his heart for Hye-eun faith, but in fact, that was just an outward appearance.
It was just an escape.
But in an instant, Yun-woo’s world was shaken.
It was the strongest earthquake in Yun-woo’s life.
Violent enough to twist the axis… … .
So, in an instant, a crack appeared in the thick gray mucous membrane that covered Yun-woo’s eyes.
It was a very narrow crack, but through that momentary gap, now, Ji-eun’s world was pouring in.
Cheeks dyed like cherry blossoms, closed shyly, lips bright red like strawberries in spring… … .
“Who, who, sister? what is this… … .”
“I am so confused. make people feel uncomfortable… … .”
Everything was confusing.
Thoughts were intertwined, and the horse ran around his throat, tickling his throat.
Hye-eun was outside the world to Yun-woo.
was transcendent. Its existence did not come into contact with the skin.
So, at that time, the feeling of touching Yun-woo’s lips at the laundry was probably not a dream or a fantasy.
But Ji-eun was Yun-woo’s daily life that touched her skin.
It was the biggest part of Yun-woo’s world.
From the moment you get out of bed to the moment you fall asleep… … The manager of a closed ward who wants to monitor and supervise Yun-woo… … That’s what I was thinking… … .
“You still can’t believe it? i you… … .”
“Nonsense… … I can’t… … .”
“why? Why not? Why can’t that be?”
“Because I… … But my sister… … .”
Ji-eun’s gaze looking at Yun-woo’s eyes, those eyes filled with tears, did not give Yoon-woo’s world time to repair the cracks.
That’s why, the words that came out of Yun-woo’s mouth were scattered in the air as soon as they came out without even completing a sentence.
“Rather, I… … Why are you so shy… … I don’t know if you can understand it only by saying this… … You can’t ask someone you don’t like to live in our house, can you?”
“Well, that’s my sister… … .”
“I? what?”
“Because my older sister is a good person… … Because I look very pitiful… … .”
“… … Fool. Does that make sense?”
“… … .”
“You said I’m just a normal person My height is a little smaller than normal… … Anyway, you can’t do that to anyone just because you look pitiful. If that’s the case, the homeless uncle at Anam Station over there who you can see for two years was also living in our house? I never gave him a penny of ten.”
The bearded man who wears several layers of old and ancient Gwajam seems to have settled here last year as well.
Yoon-woo’s head didn’t turn at all.
Since he could not find any plausible words, the words that were deep in his heart now began to come out of Yun-woo’s mouth, the words that Yun-woo had always repeated to himself.
“… … There’s no reason for my sister to like me.”
“I love you, but why do you need it? Do you think you need something like that?”
“Then you don’t need it?”
“lets think. If I had to list each of those reasons every time I met someone, every time I fell in love… … The times after that will be really cold.”
“… … why?”
“Every time you meet, you have to review and re-examine whether the reason you liked that person is still valid. ‘Didn’t 3 out of 10 items expire this month? Should we break up with this person soon?’ There are some people who live with such thoughts, right? It’s like checking the toilet cleaning status or the water purifier management status… … But I am not that kind of person.”
“Even so, in my opinion, there are plenty of reasons why my sister hates me… … .”
“No such thing. i like all of you Everything that makes up a person called Yoon-Woo Lee.”
“I am ugly and stupid.”
“You are not ugly. You have a nice voice and you have a pretty face. How did you get to our school if you were stupid? If you’re stupid, I’m stupid too. Same school, same department.”
“I always seem to make mistakes. I… … .”
“Who makes no mistakes? My daily life is full of mistakes.”
“I have no money… … .”
“It’s not your fault that you don’t have money at this age, is it? You can earn a job after graduation.”
“I can’t speak well… … .”
“You don’t talk much, but you always say pretty things, don’t you? Kind, considerate not to hurt others… … It must have been because he was heartbroken.”
“I have no social skills. So I have no friends.”
“How many times have I said you and I are friends? what… … I wish I could go beyond that, but… … .”
“… … There are many times when I have seizures like yesterday. Sometimes I have hallucinations alone. Then he chokes from suffocation, shakes his limbs, falls to the floor and writhes ugly… … .”
“Now, whenever that happens, I will hug you. until you settle down. sure… … If you allow it.”
“A person as pretty as my older sister, someone like my older sister whom so many people like and contact me… … I can’t. How many nice and good people are there in this school? If you’re not teasing me, or just a whim… … .”
“I’m not kidding. It’s not a whim.”
The words that came out of Yun-woo’s mouth were like the sound of the wind.
The sound of the cold wind that was always blowing in the cavity of Yun-woo’s heart.
Those were words that denied him, and they were words that denied Ji-eun’s feelings toward him.
Those words that no one else could hear leaked out through the cracks, and Yun-woo’s head was facing the ground again, avoiding Ji-eun’s eyes.
It was Ji-eun’s shoes that caught Yoon-woo’s eyes.
While Yun-woo didn’t notice, while he was listing the letters that circulated in Yun-woo’s world, Ji-eun got up from the bench and stood in front of Yun-woo.
Soon, Yun-woo’s vision was blocked.
Now, all that filled Yun-woo’s retina was darkness.
However, the darkness was not the cold and gloomy darkness that filled Yun-woo’s living room.
The warm, fragrant, soft darkness… … Ji-eun’s arms that covered Yun-woo’s eyes… … Ji-eun’s soft hand stroking the back of her head while hugging Yun-woo’s head… … .
“Yoon-woo, you can’t live while saying things like that to yourself.”
“… … .”
“Who was it that made you live by saying those things? You are such a kind and nice person… … You… … I’m not the kind of person you’re talking about.”
It was a chilly autumn evening.
But whether it was autumn or spring, lunch or dinner, Yun-woo’s life was always winter.
It felt like his flesh was rotting in the freezing cold.
In that life, how much did you miss a person’s body temperature?
How desperate were you?
Maybe it was because Hye-eun gave Yoon-woo her body temperature so easily that she gave her faith so easily.
“I don’t want to hear anyone say bad things about you. I didn’t like Saebyeol, but I don’t like you either.”
With this small stature, Ji-eun stood in the way of Saebyeol.
For Yun-woo, he made a loud noise and spit out harsh words.
“And really if… … If you and I date… … So, if we hold hands and walk together… … I’m sure there will be more people who say you’re not worth it. Why is such a kid going around with a little boy… … .”
I wanted to say that it couldn’t be, but my throat was choked and no voice came out.
“But if I listen to you… … I think you value me very highly. I don’t know if it’s Hyerim, actually I just do. Did I tell you before? A little girl like this, people say they don’t like… … When you come to your senses… … If you start to be more comfortable with people, you might not want to talk to people like me.”
Thinking that he had to somehow deny those words, Yoon-woo tried to shake his head left and right while his voice was not coming out, but Ji-eun knew that Yun-woo’s gesture was trying to run away from him, and gave Yoon-woo’s arm strength. I hugged my head tighter.
“Still, I had a lot of delusions when I brought you to my house as an aggressor. What if you like me… … Then it would be really sweet to be in the same house… … Every day will be fun… … We study together as we do now, we watch movies and dramas together, and after watching, we drink coffee and talk for a while, and at night we have a drink… … .”
In Yun-woo’s world, Ji-eun was not the kind of person who would seek love from someone like Yun-woo.
In that world, Yun-woo was nothing more than an ant or silverfish.
“I have loved you for a long time. The key ring on your bag right now is actually like my phone case and a set product. To give something like that without explanation. Do you feel bad? Still, I couldn’t control my emotions. I thought you were going to date Hyerim.”
That’s nonsense. entire… … .
“It would be a very cowardly thing to say to you in this state right now… … But I like you… … I hope that the fact that I like you can give you some strength. I don’t want today to be remembered as a heartbreaking day because I heard a lot of bad things from Saebyeol. That’s it. When I say this, I don’t know what I want from you. OK. Even if you don’t like me… … .”
“sister… … I… … .”
“Nope. Do not say.”
Thinking that he couldn’t remain silent, Yun-woo’s barely squeezed voice was cut off by Ji-eun adamantly.
“Not now. you can’t answer later… … When you feel a little better, I want you to tell me then. So once… … .”
Having said that, Ji-eun lightly kissed Yun-woo’s forehead, then released the arm that was holding Yun-woo’s head.
“… … First of all, let’s go eat some rice. Hyerim will be waiting for you.”
Paranoid Love Affair chapter 92

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